The Name I Was Too Scared to Use

Using my voice to tell my coach and the others in that group space that I wanted to shift to TJ from my given name was an act of courage. We were on a coaching call, and it was my turn to share where I was, what I was working on and what support I needed.

I got super nervous and instead of saying "I'd like to go by TJ now", I jumped into:

• The backstory of how I love my given name, but it can be hard to pronounce and that can get in the way during networking events as I either have to keep correcting people or I have to be willing to be mis-named.

  
  

• How it was something I wanted to do ages ago, but I was too scared to say that to my family and how I thought people would think it was ridiculous to go by my initials when my name was so pretty.

I leaned on my familiar tactic of minimizing myself and my wants by saying how I was 'thinking' of shifting to TJ, at least in my professional life. I could see my coach and group cohort members nodding, leaning forward the more I spoke and smiling in anticipation of what I was building toward. When I finished, there was clapping and hands raised in the air, and I could feel their excitement for me through the screen!

Though, when faced with the question from my coach of "Did I want them to start calling me TJ?", I internally panicked, felt heat from the mental 'oh shit!!', 'I didn't think this was going to start RIGHT THIS MINUTE!' coursing through my body, and said, 'not yet'.

It took me almost a month to understand more of who TJ was and feel ready to say TJ, hear TJ, and most importantly, embody her.

That month challenged and stretched me. I had said what I wanted, but I'm not sure I had really contemplated what it meant or how I'd need to actively participate in this idea. In theory it sounded great...I want to switch from my given name to TJ.

I hadn't envisioned what it would be like to introduce myself as TJ and have to retrain my brain to say that and how it would feel coming out of my mouth. The first time I said, "Hi, I'm TJ", to myself in my office it felt so weird and almost...wrong...like I was introducing a stranger...and I guess I was.

I was introducing myself to who I was ready to be in this phase of life.

• I said it repeatedly out loud to myself in my office and in my bathroom mirror each day.

• I wrote and typed TJ over and over and over again trying it on and getting comfortable with it.

• I journaled and daydreamed about who TJ was, what she was like, what actions she would take - in both life and business, what she wanted, what she did not tolerate.

• I took the time to uncover the woman that had been hiding deep inside me all these years, that was ready to live out loud.

A month later in our group celebration chat thread, I said I was celebrating being ready to BE TJ and that I was changing my name there on my profile.

When asked my name preference I confidently typed in TJ and hit post with no hesitancy. It felt amazing!

It's one of the ways I've continued to take care of and grow my relationship with myself...listening to what my heart wants and how a decision feels in my body.

I'd spent years being the woman who always kept her word - to everyone except herself. Claiming TJ wasn't the first time I put myself on that list; it was a very real piece of evidence that I can and do keep my word to myself.