The Cost of Overriding My Body

When I first began this journey, I didn’t realize what it had cost me to override my body’s signals. Looking back, I see that I’d treated myself like a machine that was never supposed to tire, and my brain as the only part that mattered. I was oblivious to the wisdom my body offered.

When I learned to be in my body and listen to it, I was surprised to discover there was far more to me than I’d ever known and fascinated by what my body showed me. The practices were challenging because they were body-focused rather than brain-focused. I kept at them, and they reshaped me internally, which showed up externally over time.

I gradually stopped listening to my body during a time when my husband and I were making some interesting choices as a couple – no regret, I just let things get out of hand. It caused me to lose myself and destroy the solid relationship I had spent years building with myself.

The cost of overriding my body during that time was hurt disguised as anger. I directed resentment at people and things around me because it was easier than admitting I was angry at myself for causing my own pain by ignoring what I knew.

When I finally started listening to my body again it felt like both a strong wave that engulfed me with sadness, guilt and shame, and like exhaling after holding my breath for too long.

Internally, I had to have a reckoning. I had to be honest with myself about what I needed and wanted, what I was tolerating and avoiding, and how I was participating in the situation through the choices I was making. I had to feel all the feelings and move beyond them. Journaling helped me acknowledge what I felt, process it, and leave it behind, while naming what I wanted to feel going forward and choosing to look for things that brought those feelings. For example, I wanted to feel more joy, so I looked for joy in everyday moments: savoring my morning coffee, reading for fun, snuggling under a super soft blanket.

Externally I had to let my husband know when I was struggling by communicating what I could name and noting when I didn’t know what I was feeling. I started to rebuild the foundations from years before by getting myself back out in nature as much as I could, creating times of stillness and silence, and reconnecting with my body in simple, small ways for a few minutes at a time. It took a solid couple of years to find myself and rebuild what was lost, AND that hard work and consistency was very much worth it.

I’ll ask you what I had to ask myself: where are you overriding what you already know? You don’t have to fix it today. Just notice it. If you feel like sharing hit reply. I read every message.

Be gentle with yourself,

TJ